It's My Life
by lovemikaela
Summary: This takes place right after All Falls Down part 2. In Eli's POV. How he reacts afterwards and how he deals with it. Maybe there'll be some Eclare later on.
1. I Remember This Night

"No!" I yelled at the wall as tears were flooding down my face. My life was tearing apart, and I had no one to turn to. Just a few hours ago, I almost _died_. Fitz could have _stabbed_ me. And Clare, the girl I cared for the most, was there to watch. What a horrible guy I was. Making her watch like that. I shouldn't have gone to the stupid Night in Vegas dance. I didn't even like dances. I only went for two reasons: Clare, and to get back at Fitz. I wanted to scare him off, show him whose boss. But what I got instead was he scaring the living shit out of me. That moment was going to change me, forever.

I could remember every moment of it, clearly.

I went looking for Clare, though she was no where to be found. I couldn't find her, and after a while, I decided to give up. I leaned against the lockers and took out my iPod and put on a song by one of my favorite bands. The volume was so high it hurt my ears, but that was okay. It kept out the outside world. All I had was me, myself and I right now.

_Soon, Clare was in front of me. I almost didn't notice her until she took out my headphones._

"_Come with me, Fitz has a knife," he worried voice said. She looked so frightened, and maybe I was too. But I was never going to show it. I needed to scare Fitz, not let him think I was the scared one._

_I just stared at her._

"_This is where we run, let's go!" she said, tugging my hands just a bit._

"_I'm not going to let that jerk scare me," I told her._

"_Eli, he has a knife!" _

"_Aw, don't you two look cute?" Fitz called, interrupting our conversation. He was holding a knife in his right hand. He looked like a killer. But that's what he was._

"_You should go," Clare said._

"_And let pretty boy make time with my date?" I hated how he said that. I hated knowing Clare was his date, not mine._

"_Please, Fitz. Don't do this," the girl standing next to me pleaded._

"_Shut up, bitch!" Fitz yelled._

"_Get away from me." I pushed her away. She looked like she was going to start crying. The last thing I wanted was for her to get hurt, too. If anyone was going to die tonight, it was going to be me. I didn't like the sound of that, but it's better if I die rather than Clare dying._

_I looked at Fitz. "Look, I'm sorry about before, about everything. You win." _

"_I've heard that before." He pushed me back. _

"_I'm serious," I told him. _

"_So am I," he was still pushing me. "You've had this coming for a while." He looked at me for a few seconds before talking again. "What's wrong emo boy? All those smart ass comments? He pushed me once more, and I was leaning against the wall now. I felt like I was going to burst out crying any moment now._

_He held the knife tighter. He was about ready to plunge it into my body. "Fitz, don't do this," I said._

"_Someone's got to shut you up." He pulled the knife back, and I knew what was going to happen next._

_Both Clare and me yelped, as I thought the knife stabbed me._

_I looked at him, realizing I wasn't the one he stabbed, as I slid down the wall. I looked where the knife was; in the wall. He… didn't… stab… me…_

_Clare came up to me, probably to see what happened. _

"_Don't worry," Fitz smiled. "You can bleach out urine stains." He was referring to how I had peed my pants._

_The next thing I saw was a bright light, and for a moment I thought I did die, and this was heaven._

"_Hands up!" someone said. Clare and I stayed where we were and Fitz put his hands up. The police were here. "Nobody move!" the man continued._

_I couldn't believe what had just happened. I sat there in shock, while Fitz was being arrested._

Just thinking of the incident, made me angry and upset.

I tore down all of my posters in my room, and ripped them apart. I planned on burning the rest of the pieces tomorrow. I found a box full of photos of when I was a child. It would be best if I burned those, too. The pictures were all of family friends and I. Mostly me when I was a young child. I found a couple of Julia, and debated on whether I still wanted those. I decided on keeping them for now. Maybe I'd burn them later, or maybe I'd keep them. I wanted a reminder of what I once had. Although, they did remind me of what I did to her; I killed her.

My room was a mess. You couldn't even see the floor. They were filled with just a bunch of worthless crap. Broken CD's, ripped posters, photos… just about everything I once loved. I'm not even sure if Dad would care about my room being like this. When the police called him, telling him about the almost stabbing, all he was, "Oh, okay, what the hell did he do _this_ time?" in a voice like I wasn't worth living. Like I shouldn't live. I wished Mom were here. She made everything better. At least she loved me. Why did she have to move to the other side of the country?

More importantly, why didn't I go with her? Oh, right. I was too foolish to not know that Degrassi was a horrid school. I'd heard of the shooting, and how another student got stabbed (although that didn't happen at Degrassi), but I never believed that those things happened. I thought it was like my other school. There was barely any drama. Maybe a pregnancy here and there, but nothing like someone _dying _at _school_.

I wiped away the tears from my face and sat down in the middle of the mess. I was still so scared. I would never forget this night. The night I could have died.

Something was telling me that I should have died, that this was what I deserved for letting this Fitz thing go on for so long. Clare even said, before Fitz had gotten the knife that I deserved whatever punishment Fitz would give me. Of course, she didn't mean me _dying_. But I think I did deserve it. First, I kill Julia. If I had given her a ride home that night, she would never have got run over by a car. I hate knowing that our last conversation consisted of us arguing. I loved her so much.

Secondly, I hurt Clare. No one should _ever_ see his or her loved one die, or almost die. It's probably hard for her too… or maybe not. She told me that she couldn't be with me. That probably meant she didn't _want_ to be with me anymore. I was just as much a bully as Fitz. Who wants to be with a bully? Not Clare.

And third, I was just a jerk. A jerk who deserves to be punished.

I grabbed a piece of a Death Hand CD, and studied it. It had a sharp point at the end and for something reason, my brain was telling me exactly what to do with it. And for another reason, I felt the need to do this.

With more tears coming, I faced the piece of plastic to my arm, and with my right hand I cut deeply into it, leaving a trail of blood behind.


	2. The Only Way

* Note * Thank you for the reviews! They mean SOO much to me!

"Shit," I muttered when I saw the blood dripping to the floor on my wrist. It formed a small puddle on top of the ripped posters and broken plastic. The tears were beginning to fade away, and for a moment, it felt like all my worries had gone away. But only for a moment… The wound was starting to sting now, and I almost couldn't take the pain. Although, I _deserved_ the pain. I'd done so much wrong in my life, and I'd never gotten the punishment I'd always deserved. This was it. No one ever dared hurting me. If no one's going to do it, then why not myself?

I stared at the red line for a moment before holding it with my right hand. This decreased the pain, but it was still bleeding. Not a lot, though. I got up and walked into my dark bathroom, and turned on the light with my elbow. I took a good look at myself in the mirror. There was a permanent frown on my face, and my face was wet from all my crying. Part of my arm was covered with blood. I turned on the sink and washed my arm off with lukewarm water. There was still blood coming out, but not as much as before. I took out a black washcloth from the cabinet to the right of me and pressed firmly on the cleaned wound. My body felt weak, and I fell down to the ground, and I cried until I fell asleep.

All night, I dreamed about Fitz and I. It was last night all over again. I'd woken up several times during the night, finding myself still crying. Everytime I woke up. I'd _never_ felt this way before. Not once. Not after my mom leaving… after I'd gotten bullied as a child… Not even after Julia's death. After last night, I've come to realize what a horrible person I am. I never thought of how many things I'd done wrong in my life. Maybe almost getting stabbed was a good thing.

The more I though about it, the more I believed it.

And for a brief moment I wished Fitz had actually stabbed me.

"Eli!" My father called, distracting my thoughts. "Get your ass up!" I could smell the burnt bacon from in my room. He was making breakfast. A _horrible_ breakfast. I don't think I'd ever eaten something good from him. He made cereal taste bad. Cereal!

I got up, and stretched my body. The first thing I did was check the time. Ten-forty-two. Crap. My dad hated it when I slept past eight-thirty. He said it wasn't good for me to get into bad habits like that. What did he know about bad habits, anyway? He slept around with different girls every _week_. Him and Mom never even got divorced. She left for a job, and he refused to go. And I stayed with him. But of course, back then, he wasn't such a jerk. Ever since I started going to Degrassi, he's been acting like this.

I got dressed, putting on a pair of jeans and black t-shirt. Seeing the scar I'd made from last night made me feel weak inside. I put on a black hoodie, and it covered the red mark very well. Dad would beat the crap out of me if he ever found out I did _that_ to myself.

I washed my face, and then cleaned up the mess I made last night. At least Dad wouldn't see this. I still didn't know what I was going to say when he saw my room poster-less, though. Maybe he'd believe that I'd given them to Adam.

"Finally," Dad grunted as I walked through the hallway, into the living room, and then to the kitchen. "Eat your damn breakfast." He shoved the plate into my face, and his breath made me want to puke. It smelled of booze and cigarettes. I hated those two scents, so much. Especially when they were mixed together like that. I guess I should be used to it now. He spent the majority of his money on two things: alcohol and cigarettes. I would probably have to get a job, to pay for my food, my clothes, and my everything.

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"Speak louder, Son," he ordered.

"Sorry," I said louder, almost yelling. "And thanks."

"Much better," he smiled to himself.

I glared at him once he turned his back to me. He went to watch TV. This was his normal Saturday behavior. Until tonight, that is. He went to the bar every Friday and Saturday night. Usually got drunk and took a girl who was closer to my age than his. I wanted to tell Mom, but what would Dad do if I did that?

I wasn't going to find out.

I spend the rest of my day in my room, doing… well nothing. Nothing besides staring at the wall, curled up in a ball, drowning in my tears. I felt so much pain, so much fear, but yet, so much nothing. I sat up, and opened the drawer of my desk. Inside there was a box. It was filled of the broken CDs. I took one out and before I let myself cry anymore, I cut myself, deeper than last night as I held back the tears.

This was the only thing that would relieve the pain, the only thing that would make me feel human again. The feeling of watching the blood gush out of my body felt like my problems flooding away. It was probably one of the best feelings I could ever feel.

And for a few seconds, I felt like Eli again.


	3. You Suck

* Note * I just realized how similar this is to my other self-injury story. :O. Haha, I'm glad you all like it. :D.

As the days passed, more scars started to appear on both my arms. It had only been over a week since the almost stabbing, and I had several scars covering my arms. I wouldn't go anywhere without a coat, despite the weather. There was no way I'd let _anyone_ see any of my scars. I'm not even sure what I'd say if that were to happen. A cat scratched me, perhaps? Although, I'm not sure if that would be reasonable enough if someone saw all my scars.

I suppose that's never going to happen, will it? Of course not.

I heard the phone ringing. Dad probably wasn't up yet, or whoever was in bed with him. So, I decided to get it. I walked quickly to the living room and checked the caller I.D.

"Great," I muttered when I saw the name on the phone. _Degrassi School Board_. I wonder what they were calling me for. Probably to punish me. Gah, my life sucks.

"Hello," I said into the phone.

"Hello the Goldsworthy family. This is Principal Simpson. I'm calling you to tell you that there's going to be a few changes to Degrassi. As you may know, there was an incident at our last dance. There was a student stripping in an empty classroom, and there was a student with a lethal weapon. I'm here to tell you that there's a new security system at Degrassi. There will be police at every door and in every hallway. Students will have to show them their own personal pass and I.D. There's also going to be a strict dress code. In the mail, I will send you the new uniforms along with a book of all these new rules. Thank you for listening. Goodbye." He hung up the phone and I dropped the phone, hearing a loud thud.

My hands formed into fists on the table and my body started shaking rapidly. _Uniforms. Police all around_. Degrassi was turning into hell, and I didn't like one bit of it. It was going to be like a private school. I didn't exactly know what a private school was like, but I thought they wore uniforms. Maybe Degrassi _was_ going to become a private school. I already didn't want to go anymore. I didn't want to go to any school. I just wanted to be alone, for the rest of my life. No Dad, no worries, no nothing.

I felt the need to cut then, and that's exactly what I did.

I rolled up my sleeve, and found the perfect place to do what I needed to do.

Cutting had started to become an addiction. I was living in this cold world called my life, and it was the only thing I had left to feel… good again. Nobody would ever make me feel that way again. Not one single person. Not any family, or friends, or even Julia if she were still alive.

Thinking of her made my heart break all over again.

_You murderer! Killer! You deserve to die!_ Those were the thoughts floating in my head. They were all true. I was a murderer. I killed Julia, in a way. Because of that, I do deserve to die. If only I wasn't too chicken to do it myself…

Rather than suicide, I just cut myself more. It was a better punishment, anyway. No one would ever know, and it felt better. Much better.

I heard a door open, and I quickly put away the broken plastic and rolled my sleeve back to where it should that. _That was close_, I thought. Although, it would matter much if Dad saw. He'd just yell at me and tell me I deserve it.

"Wow, you're actually up before noon!" Dad exclaimed.

"I was up before noon yesterday," I reminded him.

"Yeah," he opened the fridge, shuffling items in it. "But if I hadn't woken you up yesterday, then you would've slept all damn day."

I sighed loudly.

He must've heard me, because then he said, "It's the truth, son."

"Yeah, yeah."

"You hungry?" he asked softly.

"Not really," I admitted.

"Good." Wow, I hated him so much. "Then you can make me and Sylvia some breakfast."

"Great," I mumbled.

"Don't give me any attitude!" he yelled.

"I wasn't!" I lied, then got some pancake mix out of the cupboard. Whenever he had a girl over, he made me cook. Probably so she wouldn't have to taste his dreadful food. He only made that for me. At least when Mom was living with us she cooked everything. She was such a wonderful cook, too…

"Who called?" he asked as he read the sports section of the newspaper.

"School—"

He cut me off. "What the hell did you do this time?"

Ugh, why does he always think I did something wrong? Oh yeah, because I'm a terrible person, that's why.

"There's new rules at Degrassi," I told him.

"Like?"

"A new security system, and uniforms."

"Uniforms?" he started cracking up. "You'll look like an idiot with uniforms."

_I know_, I wanted to say. But instead, I said, "And they'll send those along with the rest of the rules in the mail."

"I better not have to pay for any of this shit, Eli. You already cost enough of my god damn money!"

I turned on the stove and started making the pancakes. "You won't," I promised.

"What's going on?" an annoying voice said. I guessed it was this Sylvia girl. She was half-naked when she walked out of the living room. She had wavy blonde hair and a little makeup on. She wore a tiny nightdress. I saw my dad staring at her chest, and I was disgusted. He had Mom, so why did he have to do this to her? She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve _him_.

"Who's this?" the girl asked. "You're brother?"

"Actually," I started to say.

"You're right, pumpkin," Dad finished, kissing her hand.

What the hell? Why'd he have to lie about _that_? Was being a parent really that hard?

"Breakfast's almost done," I announced.

"Perfect!" Sylvia jumped up and down like a little girl. Normally, I would have laughed, but I would never laugh ever again.

"Here you go," I gave them both their plates of food, then cleaned up the mess before Dad would yell at me for it. I ran into my room to cry so no one would have to see me.

I was really starting to hate life.


	4. Back to School

* Note * I might not update tomorrow. I have my school orientation/picture day. Sorry, haha.

I stared at myself in the mirror with my uniform on. I looked ridiculous. This wasn't me. The colors were too bright. They weren't even bright colors. I was so used to seeing me in dark colors. I looked like a fool. Oh why did Simpson have to do this to me, to everyone? Didn't I already do enough damage, to myself?

I knew the answer to that right away. No, I did not. I didn't deserve anything right now, and I won't ever.

"Eli!" Dad yelled. "Get your ass in here, you have school today!"

I sighed. At least I'd get away from him. I couldn't wait for the day I'd graduate, and finally get the hell away from here. "Coming," I finally replied. I slipped on one of the few jackets I could wear to school. I hated it so much.

"Well don't you look handsome?" Dad joked. "You look like a dumbass."

I looked at him in the eye. "I know, Dad."

"Now get something to eat and get your ass out of my house."

"I'm not hungry," I said.

He smiled. "Great!" I'm glad to know he doesn't care about how I wasn't eating. Mom would never do that. She'd make me eat even if it took eight hours. That's what I liked about Mom. Although, I would never want her to see me like this.

"Bye," I mumbled as I left the house. Morty was sitting in the exact spot I'd left it in. I climbed in the driver's seat and started my hearse. I missed driving this car. I hadn't been outside my house since about two weeks ago, before I became so sad.

The drive to school wasn't too long. About twenty minutes or so. I usually like the rides to school, or to anywhere. But not today, and probably not ever. I didn't even put the radio on. I _always_ did that, before. I told myself I didn't deserve to listen to music. But what did I deserve these days? Oh, that's right. Absolutely nothing.

I gasped once I reached the school parking lot. What happened here? It was so _different_. But yet again, Simpson did say that no one would recognize it here. Everyone blended in so well now, and there had to be about twenty police here. I didn't like it. This was my entire fault, so why does everyone else have to get punished? That's not fair.

"Hey, Eli," someone poked me in my arm on the scar I had created this morning. _Ow_. I turned around, and found out it was Adam. "Glad to see you're okay," he finished.

"Yeah," I replied dully.

"_Are_ you okay?" he asked.

I had to lie. I couldn't let anyone know the truth behind my fake smile. "Yeah, just a little tired, I guess." I figured that was acceptable enough.

"Oh," he believed. "Can you believe it here? It's a mess! Fitz was such an idiot for bring in that knife." Ah, why did he have to say it was Fitz fault? It was obviously mine. I started the whole fight with Fitz, if you'd call it a fight, that is. So therefore, it was _all my fault. _I didn't want to tell him that, though. He'd defiantly know something was up with me.

"I hate it here," I muttered so low that he didn't hear.

"There's Clare." He pointed over to the front doors of the school. She was talking to Alli. She looked so happy. That's good. I wanted her to be happy and as far away from me as possible. I was a bad guy for her. She can go find someone better. I didn't like thinking of that, but it was the truth.

"And?" I asked.

"Aren't you going to say hi or something?"

I sat down on one of the tables. "I have nothing to say to her."

"But I thought you two were dating?" he looked puzzled.

"I guess not." I looked over at Clare again, and hoped she wouldn't talk to me ever again. Of course I knew that she probably would. I mean, we have classes together, and we were dating, sort of. But after the last night I saw her… I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't want to see my face again.

"Dude, what happened?" Adam patted my shoulder, but I pushed his hand away.

"I'd rather not talk about it," I told him. He sat next to me but didn't say a word. I saw Clare look at me a couple times then go back to talking to Alli. I figured they were talking crap about me or something along those lines.

"Everyone get to class!" Mrs. Torres, Adam's mom ordered.

"Why is _she_ here?" I stared at Mrs. Torres.

"Oh," Adam looked weird, like he was scared. "She's kind of… the new vice principal." I was never a fan of her, she seemed too strict. At first, she didn't ever approve the fact that her son was a transgender. I guess I shouldn't have say in that, though. I'm not a parent, and honestly, I probably will never be, but I wouldn't think you'd do that to your own child. Maybe I'm wrong.

"Ah," I said, getting up. "Well, I guess I'll see you in English." I left before he had a chance to say bye, and I walked straight towards the front doors. At the entrance I had to show one of the security guards my I.D and pass. I could hear people talking about the new rules. Everyone hated me, as did I. I wondered if they were mad at me.

Of course they were. Who wouldn't be?

I opened my locker and put everything in besides my binder. _Now I'm off to a dreaded place, _I thought. I shut my locker then walked to my first period, English. I wasn't quite sure if I was going to like that class today. Maybe I could switch to another class… although, that would be very unlikely. And what would Adam think of that? I couldn't let him get suspicious. I _wouldn't_ let him.

Once I reached the classroom, I sat my stuff down on the desk before sinking down in the seat. I hoped no one would notice me, like I'd turn invisible or something.

"Hey," I heard a feminine voice call.

_Well so much for being invisible_.

I turned around slowly, seeing Clare smiling at me. This was going to kill me, knowing she was no longer mine. Why'd I have to be such an ass before? I could barely stand to look at her.

"Hi," I said with no expression in my voice.

She looked weary. "How was your break?"

"Great," I lied. I turned around in my seat and she didn't talk to me again for the rest of the day. Actually, no one talked to me, besides my teachers. Even at lunch, Adam barely said a word.

Maybe everyone hated me now. I could deal with that. I deserved it.


	5. How Could You

The next two months at school were like the first day we came back from break, but worse. I'd given myself more scars. I didn't have any more room on my arms anymore, so I moved on to my legs and stomach. I don't know where I'd cut after that. I noticed my appetite had changed, too. I didn't eat much, and I lost weight. Clare never seemed to talk to me, and neither did Adam. I knew my life was turning into a mess, but that's the way it should be.

"Eli, get down here!" Dad annoyingly called.

I walked down the hallway hopelessly, wishing I'd never been born. "What do you want?" I asked. My voice had to life to it whatsoever.

"What's up with your grades?" he shoved a piece of paper with my grades on it. I was failing every class of mine. I honestly didn't care.

"I'm failing," I noticed.

"Really?" he said sarcastically.

"I guess I'm not that smart."

"Eli," he sat down on the couch. I followed. "Everyone knows how dumb you are, but you got to at least have decent grades. Once you graduate I'm not taking care of you any more. You know that, right?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"Glad we had this chat," he faked a smile then turned his head to the side and muttered "No, I am not." I wanted to cry, and I probably would. Not in front of Dad, though. I'd never show my weaknesses in front of him.

That could possibly change soon, though.

I felt sadder these days. Everyday was so rough on me. I never felt like trying. I wanted to drop out of school, and I did consider it a couple weeks back, but decided against it. Dad would literally kill me—although that would be something great. I'd also been thinking of suicide more and more. It seemed to be more of an option now.

"Hey," Adam said as I sat down in English. This was weird. He hadn't talked to me in over a month, so why would he start now?

I turned around, seeing Clare smile at me. Adam formed a tiny smile around his lips. I just frowned. "What, Adam?" I asked.

"We wanted to see how you were doing," Clare explained. She looked at my hand with a puzzled look. I guess I never realized I'd cut myself on my hand, _a lot_. I quickly pulled my hand away, but by then it was too late.

"What happened?" she asked with worry in her voice.

"Nothing," I mumbled. "Just a cat scratch."

Clare and Adam looked at each other in confusion and I turned back around. My eyes started to water, but I refused to let myself cry. Just not yet.

When I got home, Dad was already there. I ignored him and ran straight towards my room, and looked at my box of sharp objects. I had so many things now. Razors, small knifes, etc.

I thought about what would happen if Clare or Adam _did_ find out what really happened to my hand.

I couldn't think about that. There was no way they'd find out. I knew exactly how they wouldn't, too, and that was going to happen _soon_.

"Son!" Dad yelled.

I sighed. Great. What'd I do this time?

"Coming," I yelled back, then put my box away under my bed. I walked down the hallway, slowly until I reached Dad with a girl he'd been seeing for the past month and a half. I think her name was Amber. "What do you want?"

He had a big smile on his face. "Amber and I have something to tell you."

"Okay," I looked down at the floor.

"I'm going to be your new mom!" Amber squealed.

No! This couldn't happen! He was already married! He can't marry this slut! They met at a _bar_ of all places! Mom and Dad met in college, during one of their classes! Back when Dad wasn't like this! I sure did miss those days. I missed Mom. I wanted her to be here, so Dad wouldn't be like this. So Amber wouldn't be here. So _none _of those other girls would have been here.

I left back to my room, not even bothering replying to them. I heard Dad call my name a few times but I honestly didn't care about him and his stupid little Amber right now. I bawled my eyes out after I closed my door. How could he do that to me? Or even to Mom!

I didn't want to think about that, or even anything right now.

I knew it was time now.


	6. Almost Over

* Note * Yeah, this is short. I needed to end there. Sorry. Oh, and don't hate me for this chapter! Haha, I know some of you will :P

Once Dad and Amber went to bed, well, fool around in the bedroom would be more accurate, I went into the kitchen and got a knife bigger than the one I had in my room.

"Perfect," I said to myself. I walked quietly back to my room, not making a sound, and closed the door behind me. I sat down at my desk and got out a piece of paper and pen. I started writing a letter to those I loved and hated.

Hi, if you are reading this, then I, Eli Goldsworthy, am no longer living in this place called Earth. I'm writing this because I want to have one last word to some people. So please, who ever is reading this, please send the letter to everyone I mention in here. Thanks.

_Mom – I miss you. I need you now. Why can't you be here with me? Dad's a total mess. He's marrying some slut. He doesn't deserve you. I wished I'd gone with you, but I didn't. I'm so ashamed of that. If I could change the past, I would. For you. I'm so sorry for killing myself. But, it's better for everyone this way. No one really likes me. I know you love me, but you're so far away now and it's becoming hard to tell. I love you. Goodbye, forever._

_Dad – I honestly hate you, Dad. You were never a good parent once Mom left. You sleep around, get drunk, and do all of this shit. It's not a very good example for me, you know. And why would you marry Amber? You're already married. To Mom. Remember her? The love of your life? If you didn't love her then why didn't you divorce her? Make it easier on her, okay? _

_Adam – I'm going to miss hanging out with you. You're really, my best friend. I'm sorry for doing this, but hey, at least you have Clare. Take care of her for me, please. Anyways, I am really sorry. It's the only way. I deserve this. Bye._

_Clare – Ever since Julia, I hadn't loved anyone up until you came along. I feel so bad for doing what I'd done before winter break. I shouldn't have gone that far with Fitz. I know how hard it was for you to see me almost die, and it's probably heartbreaking for you to know that I am gone now, but it's the best thing for me, for everyone. I never should've gotten the chance to live. I only cause trouble. I'm really sorry. I wish I could say bye in person, but I know you'd talk me out of it. Don't be too sad, you'll find someone else. I know it. I love you, Clare I'll miss you. Take care, goodbye._

I had tears in my eyes when I finished writing. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. Before I wouldn't even _think_ about doing this. Although, I wouldn't think about injuring myself either. I guess this was the way it was supposed to end. I killed Julia, so I'll kill me. At least I didn't kill Clare. She was lucky.

Not me, though. I've only been lucky twice in my life—when I met Julia, and when I met Clare. They were the highlights of the last seventeen years.

I got the letter and grabbed a piece of tape. I taped the letter onto my bathroom mirror. But before that, I took one last, good look at myself before I would die.

I looked terrible. I was so much skinnier now. I lost a lot of weight. I had so many scars on my body now. It looked like I'd gotten attacked from some animal, or something. I never did smile in the last two and half months. My life was over. Well, it was going to be. In only a few minutes, I would be dead. I can't believe all these years had gone by so quickly.

I felt one of my scars, and then, I knew, it was time.

I picked up the knife with a shaky hand. _It's almost over, _I told myself.

"Goodbye," I said into the mirror, my last words. With tears in my eyes, I plunged the knife into my stomach, and dropped down to the floor.


	7. I'm Back

"Eli! No, please wake up," a familiar voice cried out. Was this heaven? No, no, no. I would never be in heaven. I didn't deserve to be. I should be in hell right now. But if that was the case, then why did it smell so sweet and delicate, kind of like the way Clare smelled? _No_. She didn't die, did she? She couldn't have. I killed myself. I was no longer on earth… and I'd never see Clare again.

I never thought about my death much, up until the last couple months. I never pictured it being like this, though. I thought of it more painful.

I started opening my eyes, seeing a blurry version of Clare.

"Eli!" she wrapped her arms around me.

"W-where am I?" I stuttered, seeing more clearly now.

"The hospital," she said, holding my hand. My eyes opened wide. _I didn't die_. I was still alive. I can't do anything right, can I? I can't even kill myself.

"I'll explain," Clare went on. "I didn't really believe you when you said a cat scratched you; the scratches didn't look like something a cat would do. So, I went to your house. Your dad let me in after ten minutes of telling him I just needed to get some notes from you. He told me where your room was. He didn't bother taking me there himself. I knocked once, then came rushing in, finding you in your bathroom, with a knife in your stomach, and lying on the floor.

" 'No!' I screamed when I saw your body. I thought you were dead, and I'm guessing you tried committing suicide. Anyway, your dad walked in, along with another girl.

" 'What the hell?' he yelled, but his eyes shot real wide after he saw you. I grabbed my phone with shaky hands, calling the police. They came, and took you here. This happened yesterday, and I've stayed here since. I'm not going to leave until you're better." She started crying again. "I don't like you doing this to yourself, Eli. I love you, and I don't want to ever let you go."

I bit my lip. "I'm so sorry, Clare."

She reached for my arm, feeling a few of my scars. "What's been going on with you lately?"

"It all began that night of the dance," I admitted. "I guess after that, I just couldn't take anything anymore. My dad didn't help either. I hate him. I don't want anything to do with him. He doesn't like me at all. With all the stress of Fitz, my dad and everything else, I guess I just broke down, and couldn't take it anymore. So, I found everything sharp I had and began cutting myself."

"Doesn't that hurt, though?" she asked, holding my hand.

"I suppose. But it makes me feel _alive_ when I do it. I feel relief, like I do have a reason for living. But after a while, the scars add up, and then, it made me feel worthless and dumb. That's when I grabbed a knife, and well, you know the rest."

She leaned closer to me and kissed my lips.

"Mr. Goldsworthy," a doctor came into the room. "There's someone here to see you."

Clare pulled away and a woman with long black straight hair came into a room. My lips formed a smile when I saw the woman come closer.

"I'll let you two be alone," Clare said, then walked out of the room.

"Mom," I whispered. "Mom, I missed you."

"Oh, Eli!" she said, tears falling down her face. "I missed you, too." She held the same hand Clare was just holding.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Your father called me last night at about midnight. I came rushing in. I'm so glad you're alive, but so sad that I almost lost my one and only son. Someday when you're a parent, you'll understand how I feel right now."

"Dad's getting married," I told her.

"I know," she breathed in. "We're getting a divorce. He doesn't want you to live with him anymore." She patted my head a few times. "So, I was thinking about moving back over here, so you could stay in Degrassi, and be with Clare." She smiled. "She's a very pretty girl."

I smiled back. "I know."

"Mrs. Goldsworthy," the doctor came back in. "I'd like to speak with you."

"Okay." She got back up, and Clare appeared. She sat next to me and lay down, holding my hand.

"I love you," I whispered into her ear.

"I know," she turned her head, facing me. "I love you, too."


End file.
